Tag Archives: thoughts

CONVERSATIONS

She has my face; I grab her hands, sweaty and small. I looked to her for so long to be my guide, leading me blind to a place of her choosing. She got lost a long way back and she’s been winging it. As I look into those eyes, I see…I see she’s still trying to be assured, resilient, as confident as a young girl of her age can attempt to be. I was never really sure myself, which brought me to this point of reliance.  I looked to her for all things, no matter her lack of experience. Heavy things I let fall on her shoulders, she convinced me she was strong to hold. It’s the eyes, the eyes have it.

I take her hand, sweaty and small and lead her to sit with me. As we look upon a dark nothing that is our journey, I squint to see further out.

“What can you see?,” she asks.

“I see light, but the darkness consumes it so, I can’t tell how close it is,” I say.

“You can’t leave me here alone,” she says.

That was never the plan..to leave her here. At least not forever. But what I’ve grown to depend on was her, her youthful ignorance, growing curiosity..or was it that she was too young to grab hold of life’s seriousness? A certain ignorant bliss that clouds the mind of clear judgment to make the challenge palpable, easier to manipulate to our liking.  Her great fervor was present always, I craved to be that. Holding on to her gave me a sense of confidence, not needing to share my truth…but hers. I realize she is too young to know, really. Too young to let make these significant choices in our lives.

“I won’t leave you here. You can come with me,” I say

“As we make our way, I must request your silence. I request your trust to let me lead the way from this first step we take together.”

“I can’t promise I will not ask for your strength or love when I need it, when I do, please place your hands in mine and let me continue to lead our way.”

“You are after all, me. I cannot find anyone better to give me the unconditional love I crave. I cannot find anyone better to let me be, than myself. We will finish this journey as one.”

She grabs my hands, sweaty and small. As we stand to progress, I smile. I can’t tell how close we are but we go. I go.

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Ascent

 
We have wings
and
we’ve wasted time
Time unused for building one
up to heights
Taking flight to score the clouds
of our wildest dreams
Grasping that light that comes with flight
As my wings begin to waiver
you pull me close to your chest
let my head rest
As I tire
up
up
up we go
Higher
into our dreams
If your wings
get weak we take my left with your right
keep the air tight
and keep flight
Up
Up
Up
We can make this flight
see through those lightning dreams
The loudest and most electric
won’t keep us from flight
We have wings.

Visual Writes: Street Art Series, 003

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Photo: candylocs- 2016, Detroit, MI

CLASSIC

I knew this girl
She said
she said she didn’t care for music much
much?
I paused
I paused the beat in my head that kept my nod on point
point of the needle
spinnin vinyl
How could you not?
How could you not let music take you
sweep you away to ok
an ok that makes struggle a wonder
one hit wonder
I wonder what it’s like in silence
the silence of life and times
rhymes
I’ll find the need to go blind
before my mind loses all notes
They gather to melody that repeats it’s poetry
again and again
She said
she said she couldn’t concentrate
with lyrics buzzin as flies do
sweeping them away with bothered fingers and flicks of wrist
she insists
insists that all those words are made to distract
a distraction she has no time for
I sweep my fingers and flick my wrist
sweep away her words
her flies
An approaching drum swells
voices hum wells
oohs
ahhs
The song is back
I nod to the beat in my head
keeping the needle on point
spinnin vinyl.

Visual Write: Street Art Series


image

Photo: candylocs-2016 Detroit, MI

The Coming

I walk to keep time on my side
Can’t bother to stop
for man on side
calling  for eyes to slide
their way
Women talking amongst
loudly
for eyes to slide
their way
Wind rushes to find spots
to slip
underneath tight coats
Still
blistered faces
wait for sun
Not soon enough
Impatient
Gray springs to life
in these days of light
Buds poke only to hide out
Just one more day
Spring is coming.

Hell has found me. The drive of self motivation has been a long journey, one that’s never suited me. I’ve always been lazy. There, I said it. I’m a lazy person. By nature, finding the push to really exceed in my life feels like a challenge in itself. Hell has found me in the form of my own aspirations. They pierce through my eyes as I look in the mirror each day, and speak to me at night when I lay my head to rest. I wake to live the monotony of my full time life that I dream away as the clock tick, tick, ticks to clock out. Fear has always followed, I’ve been great at draping a cloak of confidence around me to make it seem easy. Its presence becoming hell’s company in my world, stretching the length of my body until it consumes all of me as though I’m coated in a thick paint of darkness. It has paralyzed my life. I used to fear less. I used to sing more. I used to write. More. I never stopped wanting….less; quite the opposite. I just stopped feeling the need to be more. More of what I know I am. The excuse of my hell is tragic, it has found me from within. 

Then! Heaven seeks me! Heaven comes with the same tick of the clock that hell has let in. Hope takes over as doubt sets in. A needle of light seeps into the tiniest crack of my dark paint and pushes through. As hard as those fears send me to the floor, light picks me up and floats me to my dreams of better. It feels cool, contrast to the stifling heat that would sweat the energy out of any day. Improvement of life keeps my dreams breathing. Hell may have found me, but heaven will be what saves.

35

Nobody tells you. Nobody tells you that you’ll feel out of touch yet so close to the young woman you thought you were yesterday. Nobody tells you how fast your growth can be and how many missteps you’d take to get where you never thought you would. I feel so young and inexperienced that it feels like a joke to be turning 35 in less than a week. My body feels it, but why do I feel so immature? I look in the mirror and can appreciate the blessing of still looking young but carry the weight of the years my life has lived so far. Nobody tells you. Nobody tells you that you’re going to be afraid and look back on what you haven’t done versus what you have. I’m grateful for another year of fixing my mistakes and earning new ones. I haven’t embraced that fearless, self loving woman that they say comes in your 30s…or is it your 40s? ..I’m not there yet. But I will tell you. I will tell you that I’m in real love for the first time ever in my life. I can talk to my son as a young man and we can make mistakes together and move on and keep loving each other. I’ll tell you I’m not living my dreams but continue to make a step a little closer to them. Today is a beautiful day, it’s beautiful because I choose it to be. And that comes with my 35 years of living and knowing I have a long journey with more days like this. Happy birthday to me:)