Tag Archives: loss

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Hell has found me. The drive of self motivation has been a long journey, one that’s never suited me. I’ve always been lazy. There, I said it. I’m a lazy person. By nature, finding the push to really exceed in my life feels like a challenge in itself. Hell has found me in the form of my own aspirations. They pierce through my eyes as I look in the mirror each day, and speak to me at night when I lay my head to rest. I wake to live the monotony of my full time life that I dream away as the clock tick, tick, ticks to clock out. Fear has always followed, I’ve been great at draping a cloak of confidence around me to make it seem easy. Its presence becoming hell’s company in my world, stretching the length of my body until it consumes all of me as though I’m coated in a thick paint of darkness. It has paralyzed my life. I used to fear less. I used to sing more. I used to write. More. I never stopped wanting….less; quite the opposite. I just stopped feeling the need to be more. More of what I know I am. The excuse of my hell is tragic, it has found me from within. 

Then! Heaven seeks me! Heaven comes with the same tick of the clock that hell has let in. Hope takes over as doubt sets in. A needle of light seeps into the tiniest crack of my dark paint and pushes through. As hard as those fears send me to the floor, light picks me up and floats me to my dreams of better. It feels cool, contrast to the stifling heat that would sweat the energy out of any day. Improvement of life keeps my dreams breathing. Hell may have found me, but heaven will be what saves.

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First trip

First trip to real

to realize there’s no end to this life of reason

First trip to a space

a place of unordinary.

Displacement

Noise

Push to new future.

Focussssss…mind creeping to

Dont’ let it in.

She’s not there

She’s not coming back

Waiting

Waiting for her

as she waited for you.

Missed chances

Slow advances

Too slow to catch before the break in fall

“I’m not coming back.

I must find me.

I find me and find

I find the love I need to be

the you

the you I never knew.

I never knew

I never knew the you needed for growth of us.

What you choose to lose

is the me you thought you knew.

This pain comes from emotion.

It’s emotion

guiding choice to loss

I choose to lose

the place I know

I knew the you with me

I can’t see

I must find me

I find me and find

I find the love I need to be

the you

the you I never knew.

Be wary of another’s heart
This can be the death of your own
Without conscious care of where you keep
You or he will surely weep
Constant pull of two it creeps
Into one’s soul it grows
Love no other knows
Call foul the feeling within
Stirred emotion
The edge of sin

~My writing always comes from experience. This is how it feels to truly love someone in my eyes. The light and dark are one in the same, a thin line. Love is about finding balance of light within the dark times and remembering why you gave your heart in the first place. To trust is to love; without constraints on the the other who has your heart in their hands. You would never stop a doctor on your dying bed and ask whether or not he’s capable of saving you. You let go and let God. In that moment of letting go, is the hardest. Once you’ve relinquished yourself to another, there’s always a chance of ache in loss. Is it the loss of yourself that’s the hardest? Or that you made a choice of who you’ve entrusted and your choice was wrong? We may never know but I’d rather the choice than no choice at all.

She and He

She swung her feet to the chilled wood floor and took a quick glance behind her. “It’s cold on that side.” She tries not to touch it, even when her body overheats and she needs the cool of the unoccupied sheets on the far side of the bed.

These days she thought of him often. His body sprawled out on the bed, computer screen lighting his discerned face .”He always worked in the bedroom.”

The mornings of him reaching for her.  She took them for granted; the future held many mornings in her mind.

She made her way to the bathroom. Taking showers; his fingers in her hair full of shampoo, running the hot water cold.

Making breakfast with the passing thought of how much he loved her eggs.

She’d like to believe thoughts of him get smaller by the day; they never do.

Trying to avoid uprooted thoughts as she navigates through the morning, her home felt like a mine field at times; eyes exploding memory fragments everywhere she looked.

These small thoughts didn’t take away the feeling of regret or the smiles of those days.

Hopefully they stay for a while.

Longer than he.