Tag Archives: fear

CONVERSATIONS

She has my face; I grab her hands, sweaty and small. I looked to her for so long to be my guide, leading me blind to a place of her choosing. She got lost a long way back and she’s been winging it. As I look into those eyes, I see…I see she’s still trying to be assured, resilient, as confident as a young girl of her age can attempt to be. I was never really sure myself, which brought me to this point of reliance.  I looked to her for all things, no matter her lack of experience. Heavy things I let fall on her shoulders, she convinced me she was strong to hold. It’s the eyes, the eyes have it.

I take her hand, sweaty and small and lead her to sit with me. As we look upon a dark nothing that is our journey, I squint to see further out.

“What can you see?,” she asks.

“I see light, but the darkness consumes it so, I can’t tell how close it is,” I say.

“You can’t leave me here alone,” she says.

That was never the plan..to leave her here. At least not forever. But what I’ve grown to depend on was her, her youthful ignorance, growing curiosity..or was it that she was too young to grab hold of life’s seriousness? A certain ignorant bliss that clouds the mind of clear judgment to make the challenge palpable, easier to manipulate to our liking.  Her great fervor was present always, I craved to be that. Holding on to her gave me a sense of confidence, not needing to share my truth…but hers. I realize she is too young to know, really. Too young to let make these significant choices in our lives.

“I won’t leave you here. You can come with me,” I say

“As we make our way, I must request your silence. I request your trust to let me lead the way from this first step we take together.”

“I can’t promise I will not ask for your strength or love when I need it, when I do, please place your hands in mine and let me continue to lead our way.”

“You are after all, me. I cannot find anyone better to give me the unconditional love I crave. I cannot find anyone better to let me be, than myself. We will finish this journey as one.”

She grabs my hands, sweaty and small. As we stand to progress, I smile. I can’t tell how close we are but we go. I go.

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The Shore

She couldn’t decide. She couldn’t decide if it was too much. Stopping was not an option, yet the current steadily took her down. Down in her journey ways she could not swim. She chose to float with the current, giving her little momentum, if any at all. Her head going under at times, only to burst through the top to see she made no progress to shore, or had she?
If only. If only she could learn the patient, steady pace of the long stroke. She pauses to take breath, looking around to notice branches, rocks, and smaller streams veering away to knock her off course. In those moments she realized these were not in her way, but there for her to grasp on to, or perhaps float a stream leading down another path, to slow, enjoy the view, giving her time to learn that steady stroke needed to get to shore. At last….

Who’s teaching whom?

I was never very confident growing up
The talents I possessed would often go unnoticed by others,
me giving only what I felt was enough for me to be fulfilled.
As my son grows
I notice the confidence and strengths I’ve lacked have all been instilled in him.
His talents are vast,
fear is little to none when expressing himself.
No ill words can keep him from living his way.
When did I become the student in our union?
There’s a real fire in watching him create his own path,
pushing me to work through my own fear of failure,
victoriously reaching the top of my mountain.
So I ask all of you,
Who’s teaching whom?
When did you become the student in your own life of giving the lesson?
We all seek the highest form of success.
Who says we’re not already there?
Success is peace of mind,
reach your top with whatever peace you find.

Be wary of another’s heart
This can be the death of your own
Without conscious care of where you keep
You or he will surely weep
Constant pull of two it creeps
Into one’s soul it grows
Love no other knows
Call foul the feeling within
Stirred emotion
The edge of sin

~My writing always comes from experience. This is how it feels to truly love someone in my eyes. The light and dark are one in the same, a thin line. Love is about finding balance of light within the dark times and remembering why you gave your heart in the first place. To trust is to love; without constraints on the the other who has your heart in their hands. You would never stop a doctor on your dying bed and ask whether or not he’s capable of saving you. You let go and let God. In that moment of letting go, is the hardest. Once you’ve relinquished yourself to another, there’s always a chance of ache in loss. Is it the loss of yourself that’s the hardest? Or that you made a choice of who you’ve entrusted and your choice was wrong? We may never know but I’d rather the choice than no choice at all.