Tag Archives: acceptance

CONVERSATIONS

She has my face; I grab her hands, sweaty and small. I looked to her for so long to be my guide, leading me blind to a place of her choosing. She got lost a long way back and she’s been winging it. As I look into those eyes, I see…I see she’s still trying to be assured, resilient, as confident as a young girl of her age can attempt to be. I was never really sure myself, which brought me to this point of reliance.  I looked to her for all things, no matter her lack of experience. Heavy things I let fall on her shoulders, she convinced me she was strong to hold. It’s the eyes, the eyes have it.

I take her hand, sweaty and small and lead her to sit with me. As we look upon a dark nothing that is our journey, I squint to see further out.

“What can you see?,” she asks.

“I see light, but the darkness consumes it so, I can’t tell how close it is,” I say.

“You can’t leave me here alone,” she says.

That was never the plan..to leave her here. At least not forever. But what I’ve grown to depend on was her, her youthful ignorance, growing curiosity..or was it that she was too young to grab hold of life’s seriousness? A certain ignorant bliss that clouds the mind of clear judgment to make the challenge palpable, easier to manipulate to our liking.  Her great fervor was present always, I craved to be that. Holding on to her gave me a sense of confidence, not needing to share my truth…but hers. I realize she is too young to know, really. Too young to let make these significant choices in our lives.

“I won’t leave you here. You can come with me,” I say

“As we make our way, I must request your silence. I request your trust to let me lead the way from this first step we take together.”

“I can’t promise I will not ask for your strength or love when I need it, when I do, please place your hands in mine and let me continue to lead our way.”

“You are after all, me. I cannot find anyone better to give me the unconditional love I crave. I cannot find anyone better to let me be, than myself. We will finish this journey as one.”

She grabs my hands, sweaty and small. As we stand to progress, I smile. I can’t tell how close we are but we go. I go.

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I can’t imagine the heartache that can come with losing a child. I refuse to imagine it. My son is everything to me, and protecting him is a natural force and all consuming. In the midst of the bullying my own son has previously experienced, the love, support, and tolerance stands out. He is indeed blessed to have grown into a confident young man, despite what he’s been through, or what he will go through. At the end of the day, all I can do is pray. All I can do is release him to fight his own fight . I wish with all my heart that the parents of Ronin Shimizu can put the pieces of their heart back together and keep fighting for all young people like him.

I’m raising a gay young black man. Our young men are dying everyday at the hands of others…for nothing. I have no choice but to lift him up and teach him to have self love first and foremost. What comes after? Can I trust when he walks out the door, he’s going to be protected? By his peers? Our neighbors? The police? I don’t know and I’m not sure I do.  So with that, we all have to choices to make. Choices that make changes, whether good or bad. I choose to love. To love my son as deep as I can go, then go further than that. I choose to love my neighbors, peers, and all that do their best to protect us all. I will continue to find my voice to fight for equal rights, as well as equal protection. My choices effect the choices of my son, I hope in that he creates his own strong voice and instead of left, he chooses right. The right to be whomever he chooses, love whomever he wishes, and stays true in all the twists and turns of his journey.

Rest peacefully young Ronin. In your short life and a long list of others, we can all learn something from the unfortunate choice they made. And never forget.

In the wake of Ronin Shimizu, who took his life after years of bullying, I’m posting an entry I wrote on my tumblr after my own son came out to me at 12yrs old. We received so much positive feedback from just this post alone. I’d like to think my son’s confidence came from him knowing there were so many people that love in spite of all the negative in our world. In re-posting this entry, I hope it helps someone, anyone, that feels they are not loved or supported. We’re here and all around you, never give up and seek help anywhere you can.

me and him

“My 12yr old son came out to me on Tuesday night.

The look of fear, pride, and relief in his eyes was something I can’t explain.

I love this little boy.

I’ve looked up to him since the day he could dance and sing across my living room.

Or the day he asked for his first BRATZ doll and an XBOX 360 at the same time.

And the day he told me “This is who I am and I don’t care what anyone thinks….as long as you love me.”

I love this little boy.

He always knew who he was..and I did too.

I waited.

It’s funny the relief I felt by just hearing it come out of his mouth.

It’s scary the fear I feel for the friends and family we will lose.

I’m proud to be this boy’s mother and respect his strength and confidence for that will be what gets him through these growing years.

PEACE, LOVE and BLESSINGS new friends…for this is all we have in life.” ~candylocs, Feb 2010

Purpose Served

Everyone serves a purpose in our lives

this is common

assured

We take for granted the seasons that come

and go

Making light of life and its short span

Let us not forget changes

embrace these threads that weave

stories of light and love

sadness and disappointment

Accept what is true

You will find

what means the most

Your worth and time has been

the key to your design.