Hell has found me. The drive of self motivation has been a long journey, one that’s never suited me. I’ve always been lazy. There, I said it. I’m a lazy person. By nature, finding the push to really exceed in my life feels like a challenge in itself. Hell has found me in the form of my own aspirations. They pierce through my eyes as I look in the mirror each day, and speak to me at night when I lay my head to rest. I wake to live the monotony of my full time life that I dream away as the clock tick, tick, ticks to clock out. Fear has always followed, I’ve been great at draping a cloak of confidence around me to make it seem easy. Its presence becoming hell’s company in my world, stretching the length of my body until it consumes all of me as though I’m coated in a thick paint of darkness. It has paralyzed my life. I used to fear less. I used to sing more. I used to write. More. I never stopped wanting….less; quite the opposite. I just stopped feeling the need to be more. More of what I know I am. The excuse of my hell is tragic, it has found me from within. 

Then! Heaven seeks me! Heaven comes with the same tick of the clock that hell has let in. Hope takes over as doubt sets in. A needle of light seeps into the tiniest crack of my dark paint and pushes through. As hard as those fears send me to the floor, light picks me up and floats me to my dreams of better. It feels cool, contrast to the stifling heat that would sweat the energy out of any day. Improvement of life keeps my dreams breathing. Hell may have found me, but heaven will be what saves.

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First trip

First trip to real

to realize there’s no end to this life of reason

First trip to a space

a place of unordinary.

Displacement

Noise

Push to new future.

Focussssss…mind creeping to

Dont’ let it in.

She’s not there

She’s not coming back

Waiting

Waiting for her

as she waited for you.

Missed chances

Slow advances

Too slow to catch before the break in fall

“I’m not coming back.

I must find me.

I find me and find

I find the love I need to be

the you

the you I never knew.

I never knew

I never knew the you needed for growth of us.

What you choose to lose

is the me you thought you knew.

This pain comes from emotion.

It’s emotion

guiding choice to loss

I choose to lose

the place I know

I knew the you with me

I can’t see

I must find me

I find me and find

I find the love I need to be

the you

the you I never knew.

A Letter to the Sleepers

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I’ve been sleepin. And the thought of inadequacy keeps me up at the same damn time. As a parent, we are constantly reminding ourselves that everything is fine..or will be fine…or wait…no, things aren’t fine! And it’s all my fault. It is.

My son is officially a junior in high school, which is exciting but raises the reality that he is in no way prepared to make any type of decision on what or where he wants to go, or how to finish successfully for that matter. I know, I know he still has time! He’s young! Our society has pushed us to this idea that we need to know, or have some idea of what we want when we start college or graduate from high school.

He is behind. Historically, he has not had the best education and that is my fault. I never necessarily had the means to place him in the right schools, with the right people to guide him outside of my care. But it truly does start and end in the home. I was a young mother. Having him at 18 and not finishing high school on time myself, I was blessed to have two parents that worked very hard to give me what I needed and helped me in the beginning stages of raising my son. Where they went, I followed. Regretfully, I didn’t follow all of their advice and/or offerings, I floated when I should’ve paddled my ass off. I was a teenager still, and wanted the most independence I could get with having a child on my hip and maneuvering through my own growing pains. That was selfish. As we grew together, things were missed on my part as a parent. I worked full time, finished high school, took some college courses, grew(growing) with trial and error to become the person that I am today.

I’m by no means where I would like to be, parent or as a woman. But through seeing that, I see what I have not given my son.

Time. Time and attention. I didn’t push him as I should have. He is truly a remarkable young man despite the facts. But he is lazy and behind, and not prepared for what’s out there. That’s a scary feeling.

Now I am attempting to build on all of this, and there’s still time! I’m trying to change and pull out of him what is needed to be a successful and productive part of this world or what’s left of it. It can be difficult because I have to change who I am and ultimately who he has become already. I have to consistently rewire my thinking and not be LAZY when I’m just….tired. I have to remind myself that all is for the better and he’ll thank me….later?

We have someone in our lives for the first time that has turned the mirror onto US. Forcing us to see what I’ve ignored for so many years before it’s too late. It ain’t pretty yall, it’s quite embarrassing to say the least.

So this is a testament to all the sleepers. I too am one. But I’ve awakened and staying here is my new journey. I hope to share more of mine and my son’s growth as we go. Sharing can definitely be therapeutic.

35

Nobody tells you. Nobody tells you that you’ll feel out of touch yet so close to the young woman you thought you were yesterday. Nobody tells you how fast your growth can be and how many missteps you’d take to get where you never thought you would. I feel so young and inexperienced that it feels like a joke to be turning 35 in less than a week. My body feels it, but why do I feel so immature? I look in the mirror and can appreciate the blessing of still looking young but carry the weight of the years my life has lived so far. Nobody tells you. Nobody tells you that you’re going to be afraid and look back on what you haven’t done versus what you have. I’m grateful for another year of fixing my mistakes and earning new ones. I haven’t embraced that fearless, self loving woman that they say comes in your 30s…or is it your 40s? ..I’m not there yet. But I will tell you. I will tell you that I’m in real love for the first time ever in my life. I can talk to my son as a young man and we can make mistakes together and move on and keep loving each other. I’ll tell you I’m not living my dreams but continue to make a step a little closer to them. Today is a beautiful day, it’s beautiful because I choose it to be. And that comes with my 35 years of living and knowing I have a long journey with more days like this. Happy birthday to me:)

Selfish Aritistry

“It’s the twisting of the knife that matters most, that’s what gets them…the twist of the knife.
But please, please fill your desperate thirst for the dream with no consideration of ones around you. It is, in all, about you and nothing else.
Oh! To be a true artist; opportune blessings indeed!
To lose mind and self for artistry is a true gift of human genius and indulgence. Continue on this path of discovery and see where the light takes you.
The cold of an impenetrable wall or vast sky of creativity? We shall not know until we try.”

The Shore

She couldn’t decide. She couldn’t decide if it was too much. Stopping was not an option, yet the current steadily took her down. Down in her journey ways she could not swim. She chose to float with the current, giving her little momentum, if any at all. Her head going under at times, only to burst through the top to see she made no progress to shore, or had she?
If only. If only she could learn the patient, steady pace of the long stroke. She pauses to take breath, looking around to notice branches, rocks, and smaller streams veering away to knock her off course. In those moments she realized these were not in her way, but there for her to grasp on to, or perhaps float a stream leading down another path, to slow, enjoy the view, giving her time to learn that steady stroke needed to get to shore. At last….

To Dream

“It’s the twisting of the knife that matters most, that’s what gets them…the twist of the knife. But please, please fulfill your desperate thirst for the dream with no consideration of ones around you because it is, in all, about you and nothing else. Oh! To be a true artist; opportunity blessings indeed! To lose mind and self for artistry is the true gift of human genius and indulgence! Continue on this path of discovery and see where the light takes you. The cold of the impenetrable wall or vast creativity? We shall not know until we try.” 

The key to the mind of a loc'd writer.