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First trip

First trip to real

to realize there’s no end to this life of reason

First trip to a space

a place of unordinary.

Displacement

Noise

Push to new future.

Focussssss…mind creeping to

Dont’ let it in.

She’s not there

She’s not coming back

Waiting

Waiting for her

as she waited for you.

Missed chances

Slow advances

Too slow to catch before the break in fall

“I’m not coming back.

I must find me.

I find me and find

I find the love I need to be

the you

the you I never knew.

I never knew

I never knew the you needed for growth of us.

What you choose to lose

is the me you thought you knew.

This pain comes from emotion.

It’s emotion

guiding choice to loss

I choose to lose

the place I know

I knew the you with me

I can’t see

I must find me

I find me and find

I find the love I need to be

the you

the you I never knew.

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A Letter to the Sleepers

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I’ve been sleepin. And the thought of inadequacy keeps me up at the same damn time. As a parent, we are constantly reminding ourselves that everything is fine..or will be fine…or wait…no, things aren’t fine! And it’s all my fault. It is.

My son is officially a junior in high school, which is exciting but raises the reality that he is in no way prepared to make any type of decision on what or where he wants to go, or how to finish successfully for that matter. I know, I know he still has time! He’s young! Our society has pushed us to this idea that we need to know, or have some idea of what we want when we start college or graduate from high school.

He is behind. Historically, he has not had the best education and that is my fault. I never necessarily had the means to place him in the right schools, with the right people to guide him outside of my care. But it truly does start and end in the home. I was a young mother. Having him at 18 and not finishing high school on time myself, I was blessed to have two parents that worked very hard to give me what I needed and helped me in the beginning stages of raising my son. Where they went, I followed. Regretfully, I didn’t follow all of their advice and/or offerings, I floated when I should’ve paddled my ass off. I was a teenager still, and wanted the most independence I could get with having a child on my hip and maneuvering through my own growing pains. That was selfish. As we grew together, things were missed on my part as a parent. I worked full time, finished high school, took some college courses, grew(growing) with trial and error to become the person that I am today.

I’m by no means where I would like to be, parent or as a woman. But through seeing that, I see what I have not given my son.

Time. Time and attention. I didn’t push him as I should have. He is truly a remarkable young man despite the facts. But he is lazy and behind, and not prepared for what’s out there. That’s a scary feeling.

Now I am attempting to build on all of this, and there’s still time! I’m trying to change and pull out of him what is needed to be a successful and productive part of this world or what’s left of it. It can be difficult because I have to change who I am and ultimately who he has become already. I have to consistently rewire my thinking and not be LAZY when I’m just….tired. I have to remind myself that all is for the better and he’ll thank me….later?

We have someone in our lives for the first time that has turned the mirror onto US. Forcing us to see what I’ve ignored for so many years before it’s too late. It ain’t pretty yall, it’s quite embarrassing to say the least.

So this is a testament to all the sleepers. I too am one. But I’ve awakened and staying here is my new journey. I hope to share more of mine and my son’s growth as we go. Sharing can definitely be therapeutic.