Living the dream?

I know a lot of people. At times it surprises me what I’m learning from who I see on a daily basis. I’ve been in a retrospective state a lot lately, which magnifies what these people show me even more. We all tend to get a bit self-centered thinking of what we’re going through. The constant restriction I put on my potential can at times be hard for myself alone to think about.

Going to work everyday at a job that is not my calling by any means, is hard as well. This is when my mind comes to life! It spins and weaves, leaving me antsy with anticipation to write. I find bits of time to sneak an idea down. Some of my best poems have come from sitting at my desk, emotions high! Or walking home from my short train commute, inspiration comes from every where.

But I digress, these two thoughts are connected more than you think. As I go about my day, my mood fluctuates between frustration and contentment for what is now. I tend to struggle with being grateful to have a job at all verses living out my true purpose to be happy, where’s the balance? I find myself asking. This can be prompted by the moods around me of course. In that self-centered state, I have to remind myself that the ones around me sacrifice all day for what they do, whether they want to be here or not. Everyone dreams, it’s the brave that seek to fulfill them even in the slightest way, without fear of failure or the constant pull of something greater.

I’m uplifted by the few that bring their light with them everyday. Doused by the ones that choose not to do so. I do my best to hold positive light out and around me but I too am human and have to remind myself that I come to work for a reason. It’s not to “do” what I’m paid for necessarily, but to spread an idea. An idea that you can create and build your dream, brick by heavy ass brick. No matter how old you are or where you THINK you are in your life, that is light in itself. It takes time.

They’ve taught me patience. They’ve taught me to keep living my purpose and that it’s not as clear as I may think it is. Hmmmm, patience.

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Be wary of another’s heart
This can be the death of your own
Without conscious care of where you keep
You or he will surely weep
Constant pull of two it creeps
Into one’s soul it grows
Love no other knows
Call foul the feeling within
Stirred emotion
The edge of sin

~My writing always comes from experience. This is how it feels to truly love someone in my eyes. The light and dark are one in the same, a thin line. Love is about finding balance of light within the dark times and remembering why you gave your heart in the first place. To trust is to love; without constraints on the the other who has your heart in their hands. You would never stop a doctor on your dying bed and ask whether or not he’s capable of saving you. You let go and let God. In that moment of letting go, is the hardest. Once you’ve relinquished yourself to another, there’s always a chance of ache in loss. Is it the loss of yourself that’s the hardest? Or that you made a choice of who you’ve entrusted and your choice was wrong? We may never know but I’d rather the choice than no choice at all.

New

We all speak of new beginnings
things to come
I look to the window to see white main snow clouds fell from skies
New beginnings
It is then and only then
I take with me the silence in those clouds
I take with me the choice to choose anew
Birth of a new year
lights, pops, stops and grandeur
This is not when my choices change
The snow
it is then and only then
I wake to the undiluted state just before the gray slush of matter clings to that one flawless state of being
We deceive our minds with the false words of what’s to come
Only to break and disappoint these hearts
In these moments we must remember
The snow